Is male headship in marriage a dangerous idea?

A lot of people believe that the doctrine of male headship & authority in the home is a dangerous idea that inevitably leads to the oppression of women. Are they right?

The answer is not straightforward.

In her book, The Toxic War on Masculinity, Nancy Pearcey describes two contrasting pieces of evidence on this subject from a US context. On the one hand, she shows that,

Compared to secular men, devout Christian family men who attend church regularly are more loving husbands and more engaged fathers. They have the lowest rates of divorce. And astonishingly, they have the lowest rates of domestic violence of any major group in America. (p.15)

In other words, on average, devout Christian men are better husbands than secular men. She then goes on to show an astonishing contrast:

Surprisingly, research has found that nominal Christian men have the highest rates of divorce and domestic violence – even higher than secular men. (p.15)

Here, ‘nominal’ means a person who identifies as Christian because of their background, but rarely goes to church. The research about such men is tragic and woeful:

They spend less time with their children, either in discipline or in shared activities. Their wives report significantly lower levels of happiness. And their marriages are far less stable. (p.37)

If devout men make the best husbands, then nominal Christian men make the worst. How can we explain that? 

When a man is truly surrendered to Jesus, then he understands his role as head of the home in a radically Christ-centred way. Having authority is in itself neither a good nor bad thing, neither safe nor dangerous in itself. The issue is what you do with that authority. And when a godly man understands his position of responsibility, and then interprets that authority by looking at the example of Jesus, then he seeks to follow that example in the power of the Spirit by laying down his life for his wife and children.

But when a man cherry-picks his theology by embracing male headship, but denying the demands of Christ to die to himself and live a life of surrender, then he becomes dangerous. He’s like a toddler playing with a weapon: He has power but no clue how to use it. In his selfishness and self-centred desires, he ends up abusing his authority and harming those nearest to him. He becomes a brute and a bully, grunting about his God-given rights and privileges, wielding his superior strength and stature to harmful ends, and wreaking destruction in his wake. He reads his Bible ‘through a grid of male superiority and entitlement’ and then manipulates its teaching ‘to justify [his] abusive behaviour’ (p.37).

And this is, in the microcosm of the family, the story of the world. It’s the story of divine power, might, and authority invested in humanity as the pinnacle of creation. Then of that power wielded to the oppression of one another and of the earth itself. But finally, it's the story of that calling to rule being redeemed in Christ Jesus, the selfless husband of his people, and gracious Lord of his creation. Maranatha! Our Lord, come!

This first appeared as an article for Grace London.

Reading through the Bible in 2024

Over the years, I have often used a Bible reading plan as a way of steadily working through the Bible. For those who don’t know, a Bible reading plan is simply a breakdown of the Bible into a set of daily readings so that each day you know what to read and when to stop. It’s a long-term approach to the daily consumption of God’s word.

I want to be clear that I don’t believe this is the only way to read Scripture. Sometimes you should just read, as in, pick up the Bible and read for as long as you feel. Sometimes you should read really slowly, thinking deeply about a small portion of text, even just a few words. Sometimes you should read one section or book again and again. In a sense, there are no rules, as long as you’re actively and regularly feeding on the God’s word, like the man in Psalm 1.

That said, some of my spiritual heroes have used and recommended the method of following a plan, and I have found myself coming back to it again and again as a helpful and consistent way of reading through the Bible. For those who don’t already have a consistent method of reading & studying Scripture, I’d encourage considering this for 2024.

My current practice involves reading the New Bible Commentary alongside the Bible. This helps me get to grips with passages that I might otherwise read and not really understand, which can be frustrating. Having access to some brief comments that get you quick answers is useful when you’re following a daily plan. In the past I’ve read all the Old Testament notes in the ESV Study Bible for much the same reason.

What kind of plan should you use?

There are lots of options. I want to limit myself to three:

Robert Murray M’Cheyne’s Plan. M’Cheyne was a Scottish pastor who devised this plan for his own congregation. It has been a widely used plan for good reason. It takes you through the OT in a year, and the NT and Psalms twice, by reading four chapters of different books each day. You can also slow it down by reading two chapters per day, and complete the Bible in two years.

The Navigators Bible Reading Plan. I think I first came across this plan as a recommendation by John Piper. One of the big benefits is that it doesn’t require you to read the Bible every single day, but rather 25 days per month. This means that if you miss a day you won’t necessarily fall behind. For me, that’s really helpful as I’m quite unlikely to do my daily Bible reading on a Sunday(!) because in the morning I get straight down to preparing for the services.

The Book-at-a-Time Bible Reading Plan. This is a slightly different take on the Navigators plan. It’s another example of a 25 day-per-month plan, but there are fewer daily readings, and instead you read in bigger chunks. You’re basically alternating OT and NT books throughout the year. It’s the plan I’m currently working through (I started in October, so I’m hoping to finish by next October).

A few practical suggestions

First, set a pace that you can stick to. If you can’t manage the Bible in one year, then read it in two years. It’s far better you stick to a plan instead of giving up by mid-February.

Second, get hold of a basic study tool, like those I recommended above. They can be a real game-changer when you’re scratching your head in confusion.

Third, try and change how you think about reading the Bible. Don’t think about performing a duty to make yourself feel better or impress others or impress God. Instead, think of it like you think of eating: Something you happily do that makes you healthy.

Fourth, persevere. The Bible becomes more rewarding the more you read it. Even the really tricky parts get more interesting the more deeply you engage with them. Don’t get discouraged if you’re confused or lost – everyone experiences that.

Finally, mingle prayer with your reading. Pray beforehand: God, speak to me through your word. Pray during: Lord, I’m struck by this. Please help me to love you, obey you. Pray after: Thank you for this Scripture, and the things I’ve learned about you today…

My favourite reads of this past year

I think every Christian should try and read (or listen to) good books that stretch you and cause you to grow. We’re living at a time when thinking has become more shallow; when we’re more likely to snack on short videos and hot takes rather than sit and think with furrowed brow, chewing on a pencil. One thing you can do to stand apart from the lemming-like madness of the modern age is simply read more, and read more deeply. It’s a proven method of growing more wise.

That said, not all books are equal. Some of them are actually worthless. I’ve learned to pay much closer attention to the recommendations of other people. 

In that spirit, I thought I’d share my five favourite books from my reading over the past year.

The Genesis of Gender by Abigail Favale. Apart from anything else, this is a wonderfully well written book. Favale is a professor at the University of Notre Dame and a very gifted writer. She has been on a journey, having been immersed in feminist and gender studies literature, and then in her adult life converting to Christianity as a Catholic some years ago. This gives her a unique and provocative perspective on the question of what it means to be a woman. I don’t agree with everything in this book, but I loved it nonetheless.

The Thrill of Orthodoxy by Trevin Wax. It’s very sad to hear of so many people ‘deconstructing’ their faith these days in a reaction against whatever forms of Christianity they’ve experienced. If they don’t abandon faith altogether, they usually end up with some kind of altered and adapted version of Christianity: pared down, stripped back, pruned of all the awkward, thorny and difficult parts, but actually no longer orthodox and no longer Christianity at all. In this brilliant book, Wax makes a case for ancient orthodoxy in all of its complexity and wonder.

Humility by Gavin Ortlund. We’re living in the age of narcissism, when life is a performance and social media is the stage. The more you think about this, the more nauseating it becomes. But the gospel calls us to joyful self-forgetfulness. It’s a kind of freedom that only comes through humility. And I believe that humility is at the heart of our faith, not only because Jesus is the humble servant, but also because nobody can call themselves a Christ-follower unless they have humbly acknowledged their utter bankruptcy and inadequacy and need for him. This small book on humility is punchy and provocative. I loved it.

Confessions by Augustine of Hippo. It’s a little embarrassing that it has taken me until this year to finally read this classic. I was persuaded to have (another) crack at it after reading John Piper’s short biography of Augustine. Confessions is a truly unique book written by one of the most influential theologians of all time. Growing up in the North African part of the Roman Empire in the 300–400s AD, Augustine was captured by certain philosophies and religious beliefs, and was a slave to lust. He was interested in Christianity, but he didn’t want to give up sex outside marriage. His believing mother, Monica, was a woman of prayer who had prophetic dreams confirming that her son would come to know Jesus. Augustine finally buckled and acknowledged Jesus as Lord, and history was altered by the impact he would have. This book is written to God as a confession or prayer in which Augustine mingles together his story with some philosophy in a strange way. There were moments when I gasped, and moments when I scratched my head in confusion.

The Death of Porn by Ray Ortlund. It is no secret that pornography is one of the most destructive forces we face today, and that young men especially are too often the casualties as they get bound up in chains of shame and lust. I sometimes wonder how different the Church of Jesus would look today if porn were not so easily available. In this brilliant book, Ortlund senior (father to Gavin of Humility and Dane of Gentle & Lowly) writes a series of letters to young men. It’s a heartfelt plea to get serious in dealing with this issue personally, and then joining the cause of justice by seeking to eradicate porn altogether. It’s a life-giving, hopeful and encouraging read. But perhaps not one to give as a Christmas gift.

This post first appeared on the Grace London website.

Memorial Service for Greg Haslam

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On Saturday 6th November we will be holding a memorial service for dad. We buried him in September with a grave-side service in Winchester for the extended family. So, this memorial service is an opportunity to join with friends and celebrate dad’s life.

This is very much an open invitation event to anyone who would like to attend. A few people have asked if we will be live-streaming, but the answer is unfortunately no. This is mainly because of the technical challenge being in a venue we don’t own.

Here are the details:

Saturday, 6th November at 1.30–4.30pm

Emmanuel Centre,
Marsham Street,
London, SW1P 3DW

It is helpful, but not necessary, if you can RSVP. This will give us a better idea on numbers.

Doors will open at 1.30pm, and the service will begin at 2pm. After the service is over, we’ll be offering some light refreshments so that there’s an opportunity to chat. And, as I said, all are welcome!

On dad’s passing

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Click here for details for the Memorial Service

Yesterday morning, on Friday 20 August, my dad (Greg Haslam) went to be with Jesus. He died in his home with his family and nurses caring for him. He was 68 years of age. He is survived by his wife, Ruth, his three sons, his three daughters-in-law, and ten grandchildren.

Five years ago, at age 63, dad had received a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s. It was a heavy blow to us as his family, and dad was tearful but resilient and brave. At no point did he express anything like self-pity or anger at his situation though he was obviously sad at times. He retired from his ministry the day after his diagnosis, and my mum became his full-time carer; a role she has performed with such exceptional devotion every single day since.

It is impossible to sum up the experiences of the past five years as we have watched his mind and his capacities disappear so rapidly and so relentlessly. We have grieved often and deeply at the gradual loss that has taken place before our eyes, unable to pause his decline or turn back the clock. You might think that we would have been ready for his passing after all these years, but his death has hit us all with fresh grief and we are truly heartbroken.

Dad was loved by many, many people. We have received a flood of messages from lives he touched, whether as a friend or as a preacher and pastor. These messages are being shared among the family, and that has been healing. The tragedy of dementia is the sense of loss, that something so precious and irreplaceable is slipping away. Reading messages from near and far reminds us of the man he was, of all he accomplished, and of how God used him to transform lives.

Dad was a rare and exceptionally gifted person, so full of conviction, tenacity, compassion, insight, wit, and courage. Growing up in Bootle, Liverpool, in a broken home, there was no indication he would have become a preacher. His family were not churchgoers, nor were they Christian. But he began reading voraciously in his teen years, not long after he became a Christian at age 14 after hearing Billy Graham preach. As he discovered influences like C. H. Spurgeon and Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, it is no exaggeration to say that books changed the direction of his life.

He soon felt called by God to be a preacher – a fact he did not divulge to my mum until after they were married! This calling eventually brought them to London where he trained for ministry, then to Winchester where he led a church for 21 years, and then back to London where he pastored for a further 14 years.

There was an urgency in his desire to preach Christ. This urgency of calling did not diminish but rather grew with each passing year of his ministry. As we listened to him expound the Scriptures, hearts began to burn, and that ignition warmed so many with love for Christ. His natural gifts, including his sharp intellect, eloquence, and clarity of expression, were inflamed by passion and captivation with the gospel, and with the grace of God’s Holy Spirit. It was this rare combination of careful and logical preaching, enlivened by a living reliance on the Holy Spirit, that made him so compelling and rare. He was a messenger, and he was burdened with a prophetic message and a duty he simply had to discharge. He felt that knowing Jesus was the greatest privilege imaginable, and he wanted others to find the love that had so captivated him.

What many knew of dad in public was true of him in private. His life was marked by integrity and sincerity. He was the same man, through and through. As I have reflected over the years, I think this is the main reason why my brothers and I were able to listen to him – whether at church among hundreds or over dinner with the family – and take seriously all that he believed and spoke about. Where many pastors’ kids feel the burden of performance that turns into resentment, I can say that I felt nothing but the privilege of getting to be with dad all the time and not just on Sundays. I know I speak for my brothers, James and Joshua, in expressing this.

I feel I am only just getting going. Perhaps at some point I will have the opportunity to write more. In the meantime, I would be so grateful to read more stories and to share them with the family. Please do email me.

Saying goodbye to dad has been unbelievably difficult. There is a giant, gaping hole in our hearts, and it aches to think of all that we have lost. His laughter, his kindness, his wisdom; all that he was has left an indelible mark upon us, but we just miss him so, so much. And yet, our grief is infused with hope. We do not grieve as others do who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4.13). There is relief in knowing that his suffering has ended, and that he’s with Jesus, and that we will see him again one day.

The secret to Paul’s success

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Towards the very end of Tom Wright’s book, Paul, A Biography, he ask the question, What is the reason for Paul’s success? ‘In particular, what was it about Paul the man that made him – let’s face it – one of the most successful public intellectuals of all time?’

The answers he gives are challenging and provocative. First, Wright says it is Paul’s sheer energy. He is relentless. He is moving from one situation to another, often in danger, and never really stopping. He is visiting households, writing letters, working for a living, preparing what to say in his next address, praying, and so on.

Second, he mentions ‘his blunt, up-front habit of telling it as he sees it no matter who is confronting him’. He’s willing to confront people (including friends), stand before authorities, engage in debate, address mobs of hostile opponents. ‘He is the kind of man you want on your side in a debate but who may just alienate more sensitive souls.’ This forcefulness of personality meant that ‘As a companion, he must have been exhilarating when things were going well and exasperating when they weren’t. As an opponent, he could cause some people to contemplate murder as their only recourse.’

Wright goes on:

People today write doctoral dissertations and business books about how successful companies and not-for-profit organizations begin. In ninety-nine cases out of a hundred there is someone like Paul hammering away from the start, getting things off the ground, confronting local authorities, raising money, persuading co-workers about what needs to be done, never losing the vision. Someone who will take the bull by the horns. Someone who will go on and on insisting on what to do and how to do it until it happens.

Then, he mentions another quality in Paul – his disarming vulnerability. Although he’s constantly working with an ‘in-your-face energy’, nevertheless, he is deeply loved by those around him. He has an open heart, loving the churches and people he ministered to. He’s honest and real, and he doesn’t ask anything of anyone that he wasn’t himself willing to do. 

When he says he was gentle as a nurse in Thessalonica, we believe him. When he writes the poem about love, we know that the Corinthians would have recognized a self-portrait. When he tells the Philippians, over and over, to rejoice and celebrate, they know that, given half a chance, he would be the life and soul of the party. He modeled what he taught, and what he taught was the utter, exuberant, self-giving love of the Messiah.

Finally, Wright points out that Paul’s continuing influence is explained (of course!) by his letters. Somehow, by the grace of God, in less than 80 pages of an average Bible, we have enough of the mind of this saintly Apostle as he addresses all kinds of different situations and circumstances, that his Christlike influence has permeated throughout the church ever since. And many great figures in church history have been formed agains the anvil of Paul’s writings.

And what would Paul say was the secret to his success? ‘Paul himself would say that the One God was behind it all.’

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Converse Christianity – a new podcast

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We may be a little late to this party, but Jeremy Moses and I have been recording a podcast and it launched just a couple of weeks ago. The strap-line captures the essence of our intention with each episode – to explore how to live out a countercultural faith in a secular age.

Besides being pastors together at Grace London, Jeremy and I are great friends, and we can and do talk for hours on theological and cultural issues in our normal day-to-day interactions. One of the passions that we share is a desire to articulate a vision of the Christian life that calls for radical commitment and distinctiveness. When a lot of churches and Christians are doing their best to fit in, we feel convinced that it is our difference that makes the faith attractive. Jesus was a radical; we should be too.

So far we’ve recorded episodes on sex, social media, church, rest, and the body. We have a lot more planned, and we hope to keep releasing them on a weekly basis to begin with. That is, until we run out of things to say (a vain hope for many of our regular hearers on Sundays).

You can find some key links to the podcast here on the church website. I’d love to hear any reflections or responses, and indeed, if you have any topics you want us to talk about, get in touch!